A Sad La Habra Heights Christmas Story
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through City Hall Not a creature was stirring, not even a rat. The subpoenas were hung by the notice board with care, In hopes that the DA would not soon be there. The children were nestled all snug at their desks, While visions of jack hammers rattled their heads. And mamma Jean on her broom, and I in my cap, Had just settled at the bar for a long winter’s nip. When out on Hacienda there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the bar to see what was the matter. Away to the window I flew like a flash, shut off the security cameras and hid the cash. The spotlight on the crest of asbestos dust white as snow Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below. When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a SWAT team of eight armed with gear. With a big, bald driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment I was going to be sick. More rapid than eagles his coursers they came, And he whistled, and shouted, and called us by name! "Now Miller! now, Higgins! now, Williams and Clark! Yo, Bergman!, Yo Francis! You too Levin and Whatley! To the front of the walk! Hands against the wall! Now go away! go away! go away all!" So off to the pokey the coursers they flew, With a paddy wagon full and Jean Good too. And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof The prancing and pawing of little rat hoofs. As I drew in my head, and was turning around, Down the chimney the naughty Easter Bunny came with a bound. He was covered all in fur, from his head to his foot, And his tail and ears were all tarnished with ashes and soot. A bundle of Dues Envelopes he had flung on his back, And he looked like a grifter, just opening his pack. His face-how wrinkled! his pimples how cherry! His arms were like hoses, his nose like a berry! His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, And the tip of his chin was as white as the snow. The stump of a joint he held tight in his teeth, And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. He had a sour face and a little round belly, That shook when he laughed, like spoiled eggs at the deli! He was dirty and greasy, hardly an elf, And barfed when I saw him, in spite of myself! A stink of his eye and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I could soon be dead! He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, And filled all his pockets, then turned with a jerk. And laying his paw aside of his nose, And gave us the bird, up the chimney he rose! He summoned all the rats, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all ran fast as roaches like a missile. But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he ran out of sight, "Happy Christmas to all, and better pay your dues tonight!"